Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Revisionists’ Mother Goose

The liberals hate everything traditional. One of their pet passions is children’s literature. If they had their way (come to think of it, they have had their way), everything good in children’s literature would be banned or rewritten. Following are some Mother Goose rhymes the liberals have already condemned or rewritten, or ones they will condemn or rewrite soon:

Tom, Tom, the Piper’s Son: The man who beat Tom for stealing the pig was sent to prison for two years, and Tom was sent back out on the street. Tom became a repeat pig thief, and then one day he shot a pig merchant.

Robin Hood and Little John: “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Telling his beads…" The rosary beads violate the liberal doctrine of the separation of church and state. In the new version, Robin has worry beads.

Jack Sprat: The man who could eat no fat and his wife who could eat no lean both go to a diet counselor, and Jack is told to divorce his obsessive –compulsive wife.

Humpty Dumpty: Sued the King and all the King’s Men for not putting a guard rail on the wall.

Georgie Porgie: The boy who kissed the girls and made them cry was charged with sexual harassment.

The Old Woman Under a Hill: She failed to keep her hill dwelling up to the residential building codes; her home was condemned. Rabbits live there now.

The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: She is now serving a jail sentence for child abuse and for failing to use family planning services.

Bobby Shafto: Bobby Shafto is forbidden to go to sea. That is sexist. His sister goes instead. However, an insensitive tidal wave kills Sister Shafto and all hands on deck. Bobby Shafto opens up a beauty shop and combs down his yellow hair.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater: Peter is now serving time for spousal abuse. Imagine, putting one’s wife in a pumpkin shell! Serves Peter right if he never gets out. One odd footnote to the whole sordid affair – Mrs. Peter Pumpkin Eater says she was never happier than in those days when Peter used to slap her around and put her in the pumpkin shell. Odds life.

Just Like Me:
“I went up one pair of stairs.”
“Just like me.”
“I went up two pairs of stairs.”
“Just like me.”
“I went into a room.”
“Just like me.”
“I looked out of a window.”
“Just like me.”
“And there I saw a monkey.”
“Just like me.”
The implicit racism of this rhyme is obvious.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary: The mere suggestion that a female could be contrary is indefensible.