Sunday, August 19, 2007

Politically Incorrect T.V. Shows

The liberals, you may have noticed, throw terms around like racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, homophobic and fascist in the same way pre-Vatican II popes used to hurl anathemas. The pre-Vatican II popes, however, usually had very meticulously detailed reasons to explain why they felt compelled to hurl their anathemas. The liberals can never explain their anathemas; indeed, questioning the validity of the liberals' anathemas only proves to them that you are completely outside the ken of Liberaldom and therefore outside the realm of humanity. Thus, if you question the wisdom of the civil rights movement, pointing out the meteoric rise in crime that has accompanied it, you are, ipso facto, a racist. If you maintain that a woman's place is in the home and near the hearth, you are, ipso facto, a sexist. If you maintain that any organized body opposed to the Mystical Body of Christ is one that bears watching, particularly since organized Jewry has never been a friend to the Christian West, you are, ipso facto, an anti-Semite. If you maintain that sodomy is not a legitimate life option, you are, ipso facto, a homophobe. And if you think there are better forms of government than that of the American democratic system, then you are, ipso facto, a fascist.

In order to restore some balance to the political correctness debate, I would like to propose some politically incorrect television shows. If we start production on them immediately, they should be ready for the fall season.

1. The Segregationist – In a small town in Mississippi lives a God-fearing white man named Billy Bob McCoy. Billy Bob's town is virtually crime-free because it is racially homogenous and because almost every male in the town carries a firearm. However, in the neighboring town trouble rears its ugly head. A liberal bitch from the local area has gone on to Hollywood and become a famous actress. She has just bought the town next to Billy Bob's, and she plans to import blacks into the town. Billy Bob, from the time he was knee high to a grasshopper (he's 36 years old now), has been sending money to churches in Africa in order to feed little black children who have, according to the ads, never eaten. But Billy Bob knows what happens to towns that integrate. He has a wife and four children and he loves his neighborhood. By making a few strategic visits with some of his friends to the actress's house, Billy Bob manages to head off the plans for integration.

At the end of the first episode, we see Billy Bob sitting on the front porch of his Andy-of-Mayberry-type house, playing the guitar and singing "Jimmy Cracked Corn" to his children and some neighbors. In subsequent episodes, Billy Bob journeys to a nearby city and helps his friends keep their golf course segregated. He also thwarts a plan for forced busing from his town to the big city.

[Advice to the Director: It's important to always portray Billy Bob and his friends as kindly, good-natured fellows, and to portray the integrationists as mean-spirited bigots who look on themselves as divinely-appointed ambassadors for integration.]

2. The Wife Beater – When John Wolford married Jan McKensey, he thought his life would be one of peaceful contentment. Jan was pretty, God-fearing, and traditional-minded. But after six years of marriage, something was wrong. While John was at work, Jan had started taking the kids, a boy of two years, and a girl of four, with her to some local meetings for women. Every time Jan went to one of these meetings, John noticed she came back seething with resentment toward him and the children.

In the opening episode, John comes home from work early one day and finds his wife in the upstairs bedroom with one of her "lady" friends. John says nothing, but merely closes the door, goes downstairs, gathers up the children, and drives to the rectory of his parish church. He asks to talk with the older, retired priest in residence, named Father O'Connor, who is 86 years old. John, for obvious reasons, does not tell Father Mark, age 28, who answers the door of the rectory, why he wants to talk to Father O'Connor. Father O'Connor has to get around with the aid of a walker, and he wears a hearing aid, but he still has all of his considerable mental powers intact. It should be noted that Father O'Connor has not gone to any of the Church 'Renewal' courses. When his superiors got around to ordering him to attend, he pleaded ill health, and nobody ever bothered to pursue it any further.

John tells Father O'Connor about his marital problems. Father O'Connor listens and then asks John, "Do you still love her?"

John says, "Yes, I do."

"Then," Father O'Connor says, as he places his hand over John's hand, "you must beat her."

"But how, Father, can I hit my wife?"

"You will not only hit her, you will beat her, that is, if you really love her. If you do not beat your wife, you will be committing the sin of Adam. You will be trying to please your wife outside of God's law. If you do that, you will be placing yourself and your wife permanently outside of God's loving orbit."

As John leaves the rectory, he turns and asks Father O'Connor one last question. "Father, what shall I beat my wife with?"

Father O'Connor replies, "You should beat her with a big, brown belt."

That night John Wolford beats his wife and locks her in the cellar. Two days later, he lets her out of the cellar and beats her again. After four months of living in the cellar and being beaten, Jan comes out of the dark cellar and walks into the light. Together Jan and John receive the Holy Eucharist, and except for a few lingering sore spots, Jan is a spiritually and physically restored woman. Every day of Jan's life, she thanks God for sending her a husband that loved her enough to beat her.

In subsequent episodes, Jan and John help other husbands learn to overcome their fears and to beat their wives.

3. Zorro Rides Again – In the pilot episode, we meet the great, great, great, great-grandson of Zorro, who starts riding throughout the Los Angeles area, cutting off the heads of doctors who perform abortions. In one episode, the Pope, at the instigation of the liberals, visits Los Angeles and urges Zorro to stop his violent activities and turn himself in to the legitimate government of the U. S. Zorro replies, by means of a flaming arrow, that he will turn himself into the legitimate U. S. government as soon as the country acquires one. In the meantime, Zorro says, "Si, Papa; No, Ratzinger; I will fight to the death."

Every subsequent episode will show Zorro killing abortion doctors and escaping just as the law dogs seem to be closing in on him.

4. The Fascist – In this series, we will follow the efforts of a retired American army officer to infiltrate the ranks of the U. S. Army, infuse an elite band of troops with his Fascist ideology, and then lead a counter-revolutionary offensive against the U. S. government.

You get the general idea. Other shows will have such winning titles as Jack Brito and the Anti-Sodomite Legionnaires, The Knights of the Cross Fight Zionism, and so on.

Tune in this fall to see all these (and more) exciting shows!